Discipline is a funny word. For some, it conjures up the idea of "punishment," and for others "discipline" is what separates us ordinary mortals from the Olympic athletes. The original meaning of the word is "instruction," and it's in this context that my husband and I try to determine how to "discipline" our children. Just as each child learns math and English differently, discipline has to be tailor made. My father was very firm with me, and that worked for me, and I'm very close to my father today. My sister really didn't take to the strict Greek discipline that our father believed in, and needless to say, she and my father never speak. I can guilt my older daughter, but if I do it to my middle daughter, she'll crumble. Discipline requires a lot of thought, and is ever-changing. If you have a partner, I believe it's vital that you work together as a team, and that both parents are aligned. The worst message you can send your children is that there's a good cop/bad cop. If you disagree with the way the other parent is handling the situation, it's best to address that in private. Then, you can both come together as a unit and, if you've changed your mind about something, it will be clear that it's a joint decision. Our children are our "disciples", and it's to be hoped that they will internalize this instruction so that ultimately, they will be self-disciplined.
I would love to hear from you! Please forward your questions and quandaries to: pwolf@nykidsclub.com.
Have a great week,
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I am finding it difficult to come up with ways to punish my two teenagers when they break household rules. Much like your family, we do not watch television or play video games. I have never given them an allowance, and sending them to their rooms to lounge about seems to only delight them. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I tend to believe that punishment doesn't work. It often creates resentment, which might be more damaging than the original infraction of rules. I know yelling doesn't work, and punishments not at all related to the crime like banning them from going to a sweet sixteen next week, don't work. I know instilling guilt, lecturing and comparing them to other siblings or kids don't work. I know acting out of anger is dangerous, because you might later regret it, or renege completely on the punishment. Threatening and then not following through undermines your believability as a parent. If my husband and I are uncertain what punishment is appropriate, we tell our children we're very disappointed and we'll let them know later what the punishment will be. It's important to communicate and let your children know that they're disappointing you, and that the consequences of their actions will be that they suffer a quality of life. When our son doesn't do his homework, or shows up late for events or for school, or comes home past his curfew, we don't punish him, but we remind him that there are consequences, sometimes serious ones. Your grades suffer, you might not get into the college you want, you get detention and perhaps most importantly, people will view you as being irresponsible. Detention at school worked because he had to go in early. Last year he had 18 lates; this year, none. A child should realize that when you break rules, you break faith. I've long wondered what kind of punishments would correct the problems, but not create resentment. In your case, assuming that your child isn't close to becoming a juvenile delinquent (which presents a whole different issue), I would ask what are the rules? Are they so rigid that you're forgetting to allow someone to learn to govern himself? There are times when kids are just kids, and not every misstep requires a "punishment." I would love to hear readers' opinions as to how they handle situations in which a child has flagrantly disobeyed the house rules. Please e-mail your responses to me.
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My son and his 10 year old friends are often quite rambunctious. Last week they broke an antique lamp rough housing in the dining room during a sleepover. I pulled my son away to address the situation while his two friends went on to watch a movie in the living room. Is it appropriate to verbally discipline your child's friends, or should I simply call their parents and arrange for a pick up?
On a recent trip to Florida, my son brought a friend along, and he and his friend did break a lamp, which we had to pay for. Did I tell the mother? Of course not. Nor did I make this friend feel badly. It was an accident, and accidents happen. Adult friends spill wine on your couch, or knock over a vase - material things are not as important as relationships. I don't believe in disciplining my own children in front of others, so I would certainly not discipline any of their friends. I've rarely called a parent to pick up a child. It's only when I felt the situation had gotten out of hand and it was best to separate the children that I've resorted to that. I don't want to appear to be the "mean" mother. I'm not afraid of being firm, and of asking my children's friends not to be so loud or to be careful or to stop roughhousing, but if you're the mean house, no one will dare come over. Having said that, if my son was at someone's house and did this, I would want the mother to express to all of the children how she was feeling instead of making light of it. When the play date is over, I would tell my child that he has to take responsibility for his home, as well as for his friends. Empower your child, and let him at least start to understand the importance of maintaining discipline in the home.
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A good friend of mine publicly smacks and spanks her 4 year old. It has always made me uncomfortable, however, I have never known how or if to address it. Over the weekend, her four year old came over for a play date with bruises on her face. My friend told me she fell chasing the cat, which my gut tells me is not what happened. I am not sure how to proceed; what would you do?
Though I struggle with how to discipline children, I don't believe that spanking is effective. Nonetheless, as a parent, you have the choice, theoretically, to hit your child. No one can stop you. But abuse is not optional or acceptable. These days, when it's so politically incorrect to hit a child in public, you wonder what these parents would do behind closed doors. What is your friendship based on, and are you close enough to say something like, "You seem so angry and stressed," and perhaps talk to her about anger management. If it's a good friend, speak to her about her levels of stress and find out why she chooses that route of "discipline" which is, to my mind, not discipline, but adult bullying. If you choose to speak to her, you have to be prepared for her potential reactions. As for the bruises on the child's face, you may sadly be correct about their origins. However, I always feel nervous about getting overly involved, because it's also possible you're wrong, and if so, a charge of abuse is a serious charge. I would not report potential abuse like this, because you might be wrong, and because even if you're right, the repercussions of a child being taken from her family and put in foster care might be far worse than a few bruises. What about the husband? Is it possible to speak to him? Is he aware of it? Is he a part of it? I would work on your friendship first and talk to her about her parenting style. To make an assumption that she's guilty of child abuse is huge. | |
Pam Wolf
