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"You've got to give a little, take a little..."
Giving and taking: how much and to whom and where do you draw the line and when should you be selfish and when selfless. These are questions that most of us grapple with on a daily basis, whether when we encounter a beggar on the subway (Look away? Give a quarter?) or when we feel someone has taken advantage of our good nature. Our children must also navigate these murky territories, and while it's a given that kids tend to model their behavior after their parents', it can be tricky to help them find the balance between softie and sucker. I believe that, in the same way that making playdates and dental appointments are givens, "giving a little" should be built into our children's lives.
"That's the story of, that's the glory of love."
I would love to hear from you! Please forward your questions and quandaries to: pwolf@nykidsclub.com.
Have a great week,
Pam Wolf
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My daughter wants to give money to every homeless person she passes on the street. She ends up giving away her entire allowance within a day or two of receiving it each week. What is the best way to encourage her generosity while also encouraging her to save some of her money?
First, congratulations on raising a caring, empathic young woman who is moved to make a difference in others' lives! What a wonderful problem to have - to have to figure out ways to encourage your daughter to be less selfless! And yet, potentially, it could be a problem. You don't want your child to be gullible and taken in by every hard luck story, nor to assume that her money is necessarily being used to purchase food or other necessities. It might be - but it might well not be. While my children have also given to people on the street, I've tried to provide other organized and structured ways in which they can fulfill their charitable impulses. For example, when my children were younger, they divided their money into three categories - spending, saving or giving away - and placed amounts of their choosing into empty coffee cans which they'd decorated . Sometimes, we would take the money from their "give away" can and write a check to one specific charity. In your case, if your daughter feels akin to homeless people, there are several organizations that you can give to and feel certain that it will aid the people it serves. Finally, remind your daughter that, as important as it is to be kind and generous to others, she is entitled to drop some of her allowance money into the metaphorical saving or spending coffee cans because even if not homeless, she is important, too.
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My son lost his Wall Street job several months ago and has taken a job as a waiter in a local pub. He recently asked to move back home with my husband and me while he determines what his next step should be. Is it appropriate to ask him to contribute towards rent?
By asking him for rent, you are condoning him living with you, and implicitly suggesting that he will be a long-term boarder. Personally, I am big on putting things on the table from the outset and making the expectations on both sides very clear, so there are no surprises down the line. I would sit down with him and discuss how long he plans to stay, when he plans to leave, and what steps he needs to take every day to get back on his feet. Assuming that this is a short term stay, he will be better served saving his money to use it for resumes, interview suits, and a deposit on an apartment. I would caution you about making it too comfortable for your son, i.e., washing his clothes, waking him up in the morning, stocking his favorite yoghurt - who could blame him for taking his time finding his own place? Rather, he should understand that because you aren't asking him to pay rent or contribute to household expenses, you expect him to save his money and find his own place, cockroaches and all. As sympathetic as you may be for his current plight, and as willing as you are to give of yourself, the gravy train will and should come to an end, and the sooner the better for everyone concerned.
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What are some ways my 8 and 10 year olds can become involved in giving back to the community?
That's a big, broad question which means there are many, many, many answers, all of them valid. For example, my family has organized a street cleaning day for our street which, without getting into specifics, entails collecting money from our neighbors for plants and soil, then spending the day beautifying our little part of the world. What are your children passionate about? My older son is technologically advanced and he held a class on computers for three elderly people at Dorot once a week. They may not have learned much about e-mail, but they enjoyed having him around! You can also piggy back on your children's school's charitable activities, whether it's City Harvest, penny harvest, a backpack collection or a coat drive. Remind your children, often, that while it's laudable to give toys to needy children and food to the hungry, it is also important to give of themselves - their time, their energy, their caring - to others.
I welcome reader's responses and suggestions to this question. Write to pwolf@nykidsclub.com
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