|
I'm not one to hem and haw about anything with anyone. If something needs to be discussed or addressed, I do so immediately. Since my children were very young, I've never shied away from embarrassing topics. Consequently, even if they hate it, they are never shocked today when I initiate a conversation on drugs, sex, gratuitous violence in movies, and my antipathy for foods laden with empty calories. When I speak up, (Some call this personality trait confrontational. I disagree.), it's never in an angry way, and once I've brought it up, it's over. In witnessing my willingness to face, head on, uncomfortable subjects, I hope my children feel empowered to speak up, even if the subject matter makes them or the other person squirm. Sometimes, that's the best way to preserve relationships and friendships.
I would love to hear from you! Please forward your questions and quandaries to: pwolf@nykidsclub.com.
Have a great week,
Pam Wolf
| |
My 14 year old has taken on a summer babysitting job. She is spending all of her money on clothes, CD's, food and movies. Should I interfere with her purchases, or allow her to enjoy the luxury of a discretionary income?
When it comes to a 14 year old spending money, I'm all for giving children guidance. I'm a firm believer that saving money is a discipline and something that is best learned when young, as you will have to do for the rest of your life. If this is your daughter's only form of income, then she is entitled to make choices, and use some of it for entertainment. However, if this money is extra, then absolutely you should interfere, and insist that she save some of it, perhaps with some future goal in mind. Learning to exercise self-restraint and set goals are important qualities to cultivate, not only with respect to money but to overall self-discipline. My 11 year old daughter wanted to buy a pair of $40 sunglasses. I asked her why she would want that, when she only gets $6 a week in allowance. She was furious when I forbade her to buy them, but in the end I felt the lesson learned - not to give in to the urge for instant gratification, to stop and think and plan - was more important than the sunglasses.
|
How do I encourage my very intelligent 9 year old son to be proud to be himself? He acts so silly and "plays dumb" around his friends to fit in.
Being intelligent and having a sense of humor are not mutually exclusive. But at 9 years old, too much grey matter could be a liability. Wanting to fit in doesn't necessarily indicate that your son isn't proud of himself, or that his friends are dumbing him down. It could very well be that making his friends laugh is good for his self-esteem. He's 9 years old and no matter how smart he is, dumb is funny. My 15 and 16 year olds laugh at the table until milk comes out of their noses. At every age, there's a lot of pressure on children to perform, which often seems to come at the expense of indulging in pure silliness. Learning social skills is as important as being intelligent. But even more important, on the overall report card of life, it's not enough just to be smart and proud of yourself. Compassion, patience, kindness - and yes, an ability to laugh and a willingness to be laughed at, matter most.
|
My mother has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Should I tell my 4 and 7 year old children she is dying?
No, don't tell them. To tell them is to admit it and to start believing it. A miracle is waiting for every single family that expects it. While she's alive, there's hope and there's a life still left. Things change, and doctors are not always 100% right. Determination and willfulness toward living longer can keep you alive. My husband was diagnosed with cancer 12 years ago, and the doctors said he'd never eat or talk again. People told me I should focus on how to prepare, but that possibility didn't dawn on me. He survived, and he is up and about and talks and eats. In this case, the children are very young, and while it's okay to explain that Grandma's sick, especially if they need to be quieter or gentler when they're with her, or if there is a change in her appearance, spending time with grandchildren who are happy and excited to be around you is also good medicine. The children needn't be told until the very end. Every family has a different view of death, and if you believe in heaven, or life after death, or neither, then that's how you present it. Don't underestimate your child's ability to understand that life comes to an end. You can't stop them from being incredibly sad, no matter what or how you tell them. When the time comes, I think it will be about consoling them, rather than about explaining what happened and how.
| |
Comments