Pam's Practical Parenting; Real Mom, Real Advice

Practical Parenting week of February 16, 2009

2009-03-18T11:57:00Z

Over the past almost year, as a result of writing this column for the Brooklyn Eagle, I've had the privilege of meeting many new people and the honor of being entrusted with your parenting concerns. Though your questions have incorporated seemingly every aspect of parenting - from allowance to bedtime battles to disagreements between spouses on setting limits - there has been at least one common theme: that is, we want to do the best for our children. And, again, what has surfaced again and again for me is that I truly believe you all have the answers inside you. It's just a matter of trusting that you know. If you make a mistake or change your mind on a decision you've made, that's okay. Just say you're sorry and move on.

In answering your questions, it's also made me more aware of my own parenting. Even if no one knew what I was doing in my own home, I felt uncomfortable dishing out advice if I wasn't willing to take it! One of the things I've reiterated is that charity begins at home - you can't do it all, nor should you, though I can understand how over the years, you add more and more layers to your life, many of which are wonderful, but then find that you can hardly make your way back to your bedrock. In keeping with that sentiment, I've decided to take my advice and pare down my obligations so that I can devote more time and energy to both my family an d my team at the New York Kids Club. For that reason, this will be my last Practical Parenting newsletter.

This has been a delightful, and unexpected, opportunity for me to be in touch with parents more directly, and I've come to truly appreciate the diverse make-up of families. I've also become even more aware that we're all parents, we're all in this together, and we'll continue our journey doing our very best.

My daughter, Jessica, is in Maine and she called last week to say that on her last test, she had to identify 100 different bird calls! She couldn't remember ever really hearing birds in New York City, but now, she's become more mindful of the sights and sounds that surround her. Call me a proud mother, but I felt gratified that this important value - to be appreciative of the greater world, which we've always tried to instill in our children - seems to have taken hold. As your children get older, there will be more and more moments in which it will be apparent that the lessons have sunk in. Trust that every deposit you make in your children's lives is accumulating and will pay off. While I will always love my children, it's nice to see that they're becoming people I admire and respect.

Finally, I am deeply appreciative to the Brooklyn Eagle for affording me this opportunity to communicate so directly with such a broad base of people. Having recently opened the New York Kids Club in Brooklyn, it's been a pleasure to get to know this vibrant section of New York City.

Please feel free to continue to e-mail me, and if you see me on the street and recognize me, come say hello!

I would love to hear from you! Please forward your questions and quandaries to: pwolf@nykidsclub.com.

Have a great week,

Pam Wolf

Practical Parenting week of February 2nd, 2009

2009-02-06T17:29:00Z

If there is one common thread that runs throughout the questions I'm asked by parents, it is communication. Talking to other parents, or ones own parents, about a sensitive subject, talking to a nanny, to your children or your child's teacher, reaching out and having a conversation with potential new "mommy" or "daddy" friend...I continue to be surprised at how hard it is for so many of us to have discussions that need to be had. So a gentle reminder to everyone - go ahead, just spit it out! The long term benefits of an honest conversation or interaction are well worth an temporary discomfort.

I would love to hear from you! Please forward your questions and quandaries to: pwolf@nykidsclub.com.

Have a great week,

Pam Wolf

I am the first of my group of close girlfriends to have a baby (Chloe, born November 1st) and feel as though my friends have written me off. They seemed so happy for me at first, and now don't even bother inviting me out "assuming" I must be busy with mommy duty. My husband is suggesting that I make some new "mommy friends." Any tips on where to go and what to do?

First, congratulations on the birth of your baby! I, too, was one of the first to have a baby and also felt resentful that my friends didn't want to spend time admiring my new baby with me. Now, though, I realize that when you have a baby, it's not another chapter in your book; rather, to reiterate something I always say, you might be closing the old book and starting a new one. You want new characters to populate this book? Just sit on a park bench. That woman nursing her baby? She's also looking for a new best friend. You might want to sign up for some kind of mommy and me classes, not only to provide your baby with new social contacts, but for you as well! Check out parenting magazines and newspapers that list various classes and activities. Just as college brought you together with a diverse group of people, this baby will serve to connect you to people you might never have otherwise met or been interested in - for better or for worse!

What do I get my wonderful wife and mother of our 3 beautiful children for Valentine's Day? We usually just have a nice dinner, but I want to do something really special this year. Ideas?

In a word, jewelry. However, if you have your heart set on doing something special, I can tell you that the most memorable Valentine's Day gift was when my husband and kids divided up tasks and made a Valentine's Day dinner, featuring heart-shaped brownies, heart-shaped pasta, and a salad with heart-shaped cucumbers. They got an A+ for effort. I didn't grade them on quality. I also love Valentine pajamas (not lingerie, it's February and cold) with the big red and pink hearts. But honestly? Jewelry.

I am not a fan of my 17-year-old daughter's boyfriend. I have no tangible reason not to like him- I just don't, and believe mothers can tell sometimes when a boy is not good news. Should I give my daughter my honest opinion or keep this to myself and let it play out until I have some evidence that it is an unsuitable match?

I'm a firm believer in offering an honest opinion all the time, and as a mother, I don't need tangible evidence to support that opinion. Even more than talking to your kids about college and drugs and grades, it's important to have ongoing and open communication about the kind of partner you expect them to choose. That choice is far more important than any other choice they will ever make. At the risk of temporarily alienating your daughter, I would tactfully and with concern share your thoughts with her, with the underlying message being that you care too much about her to allow her to risk a potentially negative influence. She may disagree but at least she's heard you, and you've had the opportunity to remind her of the qualities she should look for in another person. I wouldn't let it unfold and let her figure it out on her own. I wouldn't let my child figure it out if he or she were drinking too much, eating too little or experimenting with drugs- so I'm certainly not going to stand aside and take the chance that all of the work I've done to raise a confident, emotionally stable, happy child is jeopardized; by anyone or anything.

Practical Parenting week of January 26th, 2009

2009-02-06T17:13:00Z

One of the most popular competitive sports in New York City is measuring. Measuring yourself, your husband, your children, your caregiver, your dogs, your life - against others'. In this sport, there are no winners, but lots and lots of losers. Whether you're judging your nanny's playfulness, your sister's parenting skills, or your own ability to be supermom, taking everyone's measure takes a lot out of you. If you're going to measure anything, measure kindness, and don't bother keeping score. And remember, you can also opt to sit on the bench for this sport.

I would love to hear from you! Please forward your questions and quandaries to: pwolf@nykidsclub.com.

Have a great week,

Pam Wolf

My sister has two children very close in age to my own (15 months and 2 years) and we alternate watching each other's children each Saturday morning for some much needed "mommy time." Now, I love my nieces, but they are absolute terrors when they come over. They hit, scream until they get their way with food or TV, and last weekend, even colored on my dining room curtains. Yet, when my sister asks how everything went, I always say, "Great!" as I do not want her to think I can't manage 4 children well at one time. Plus, I look forward to my own "mommy time" on Saturdays! Should I talk to her or just grin and bear my commitment at this point?

I really don't think you can say anything. You risk damaging both your relationship with your sister and the cousins' relationships. Trust me, these children will eventually outgrow these things, and then you'll be sorry that you said anything. When our cousin's daughter came over she would stand on the kitchen table and switch the lights on and off continuously driving us all crazy! Now, she stays with us for a week at a time, and is a quiet and lovely young lady. It would have been horrible to have burned my bridges because she was so rambunctious. Take preventive measures, keep the crayons out of sight, and maintain your own rules because it's your home. Unless their behavior is dangerous or damages your things, let it go. The curtains can be cleaned. The relationship between siblings, cousins, aunts and nieces isn't so easily repaired.

All of my friends have nannies who are teachers, and do flash cards and teach the kids French. I do as many activities with my two-year-old as I can, but his nanny is a sweet, plodding lady who loves him but doesn't do too many educational things with him. This frustrates me, but he's so clean and cared for, that I wonder if the other really matters. Should I look for a more stimulating nanny? What is really key at this age in terms of nannies?

To have a stimulating and creative nanny is very nice, though not necessarily one wielding flash cards - there are plenty of those in third grade. It's not too much to ask that she pique your child's curiosity through games at home or interesting outings such as a children's museum. It's your job as the employer to give direction including creative ideas for activities, and to train her. Perhaps make a short list of what you expect her to do every day rather than rely on her to get creative and make the rule that there's no TV or electronics or computer when she is there. However, never underestimate the importance of being clean and well-cared for and be grateful that your child feels safe and loved.

I am the mother of two young boys and also work part-time outside of the home. As part of our involvement in the lives of our children and our family's involvement in our community, we take part in the organizations to which we belong. However, I am finding it very difficult to attend various committee meetings and fulfill my responsibilities to these committees while parenting my children and maintaining my responsibilities at my desk job. In a way, I suppose I'm trying to have or do it all, but there has to be a way to be an active participant in my children's school while maintaining my other responsibilities. Any suggestions?

Charity begins at home. If you feel pulled in too many directions, your first priority especially when your children are young should be your family. It's commendable to volunteer at organizations you feel strongly about, but if possible, kill two birds with one stone by finding things you can do with the kids to benefit the community, i.e., baking with your child for a bake sale. There are no awards or trophies for the mom who does the most, though there are internal awards for spending time with your kids and having a happy family.

Practical Parenting week of January 18th, 2009

2009-01-21T16:09:00Z

As we approach the forthcoming inauguration and shift in our country's leadership, I sense a poised anticipation and hopefulness that "change is coming;" it has been a rallying campaign slogan. As an entrepreneur and business owner I certainly agree that changing times and circumstances often require expeditious adaptation. However, when it comes to parenting, I am one who believes that there are certain things that should never change. Such as- living your own values, and transmitting them to your children as well as to those who work directly with you and your children. If your core values remain inflexible, I believe you will find grounding- both personally and professionally. Your children, by way of your example, will reap the benefits of your consistent and compassionate guidance.

I would love to hear from you! Please forward your questions and quandaries to: pwolf@nykidsclub.com.

Have a great week,

Pam Wolf

I have a six month old and will be going back to work next month. I am just now starting the process of looking for a nanny and feel clueless when it comes to the interview process. What questions should I ask? How much experience is necessary? Do I schedule a "play date" with the potential caretaker as part of the interview? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

When I was interviewing, I wasn't most concerned with their experience but with whether they were willing to adapt to and embrace my philosophy of raising children, because they would serve as a representation of me when I wasn't there. Once I narrowed the choices down to a few people, I asked each to come in for a two day, paid trial period. In those two days, I gave them little direction, because I wanted to see what they would do on their own - do they hold the baby lovingly, do they sit on the couch a lot? I was very surprised sometimes to see people I really liked initially who over those two days were less impressive. References are secondary. Somebody else saying they were great with their children is nothing because somebody else's definition of "great" isn't necessarily mine.

My 9 year old stole a large bag of candy from our local grocery store. I did not catch him until the bag was empty. I immediately expressed my disappointment in his behavior, explaine d why what he did was wrong and took away several privileges. I feel, however, that at 9 years old he should "know better." Do you think I should bring him back to the grocer to pay for the candy and apologize- even if it means some sort of legal repercussion?

Lying or stealing victimizes others, and there should be zero tolerance for making someone else a victim. Yes, you have to bring that candy back to the grocery store, and you have to pay and apologize. For certain kids,stealing becomes a kind of thrill, and it may grow from there into a bigger challenge. Stealing won't be limited to the grocery store - it could easily morph into stealing from parents or friends.

My tween has been invited to spend a week of spring break at her friend's Connecticut home. My daughter has never been on an extended trip with another family and I am unclear as to what to send her with (aside from clothes, toothbrush and toothpaste). Do I offer the family money to cover costs such as dining out, etc? Should I send her with a gift for the host family? Have you experienced this situation before?

I send my children with a little bit of money, because I want them to have their own money to buy a ticket to a movie or something else that comes up. It's awkward and unnecessary for a child to offer to pay for dinner nor should you, as a parent, offer the family money. It's a given that a guest is a guest. Absolutely you should send a gift along with your child - she can bake something, or she can bring something (a kite, a game) that they might all enjoy over the week. It doesn't have to be big, but it's an acknowledgement that she is appreciative of their hospitality. I have also sent something after the tr ip as a thank you, and I once received a photo album with photographs from the weekend from a guest of ours, which we still enjoy. I insist that they send their hosts a handwritten thank you note after. I've given my children specific advice on being a good guest: fold your clothes and put them in a suitcase; don't spread everything out in the bathroom; if there are younger children in the home, be friendly and gracious to them as well as the whole family. Consideration, gratitude and respect are more important to bring along - in life and on trips - than even a change of underwear.

Practical Parenting Week of January 16th, 2009

2009-01-16T05:00:00Z

The best gift you can give a child doesn't come wrapped at holiday season or a birthday. It's year round, and daily, and it's the gift of confidence and the ability to assume responsibility. Our goal as parents is to send our children out into the world and live happy and independent lives. Having the latest gadget or being the prettiest won't ultimately protect them or make them successful. The best gift is not dependent on money or other external status symbols. It's an internal confidence and sense of ownership of their lives. If anything, I hope that we've instilled those qualities in our children.

Have a great week,

Pam Wolf

My 8 year old is begging for a cell phone; "all of her friends have cell phones." She is feeling "left out" and claims she will only use it for emergencies. Is 8 too young for a cell phone?

First, I've heard that "everyone else has it" complaint so many times, and it's not even close to being true! But foremost, I caution my children about feeling left out and not having material things. If you really believe that popularity revolves around what you have, then you have to find friends who value you for who you are. Yes, it is way too young to be responsible for a cell phone. She should always be walking around with an adult, anyway, so what kind of an emergency would she be in? If you're really nervous, there are cell phones that have just three numbers to dial. I'm strongly opposed to kids establishing a sense of security or well-being based on the symbol of owning something..

My daughter has been coming up with excuses lately to get out of having dinner with the family. She says she is not hungry, has already eaten, or will eat later on in the evening. Should I force my children to sit at the dinner table whether they are hungry or not, or as she is now nearly 18, should this be her decision?

Absolutely she should sit at the table. Dinner is not just for eating, it's for socializing and spending time together, and chances are, if she sits and looks at the food, she'll get hungry. Sometimes, a child feels that skipping meals is a good way to lose weight. Educate her that eating meals is important to maintain one's metabolism. Skipping meals will ultimately backfire. Don't ever underestimate the possibility of someone developing an eating disorder at any age. Eating disorders are of more concern even than drinking, because they have an emotional impact and can continue throughout life. If you have even the slightest concern that this could turn into an obsession with weight, then immediately address it by emphasizing the importance of portion control and exercise. Even if it's not about weight, and she has too much homework or whatever, she still has to come to dinner. She's part of the family, and opting out of that isn't an option.

What is the right age to allow your child to begin babysitting? How can I prepare my child for the responsibility of babysitting?

You can allow your child to begin anytime, but will the family allow your child to babysit at this age? One of my daughters began as a mommy's helper at 11 in the summer. She was quite entrepreneurial and brought along a bag of activities and would engage the child in fun things while the mom was there. In advance, I told my daughter: don't turn the television on; clean up everything in the kitchen, even if the family made the mess; stay off your cell phone; never invite anyone over; if you want to eat something, take small bites of a few things - don't finish one thing; if you have to rest at midnight, do so while sitting up, don't be asleep when they walk in; and get the child to bed - bribe, cajole, sing, - if they walk in, and the baby is up you've failed at your job! I believe the Red Cross and the Y offer courses on babysitting techniques - I'm not sure they include the small bites advice, but I stand by it! I really encourage babysitting - it's a flexible job, it instills a sense of responsibility, and it's a good way to make money. My daughter now babysits for six kids on Saturday nights - three different families - and it's taught her a lot about caregiving, organizing her time, being responsible and much more.

Practical Parenting Week of January 7th, 2009

2009-01-07T05:00:00Z

I'm not a big one for making resolutions in January. It feels like the middle of the year to me, not the beginning. If I'm going to vow to make sweeping changes, I prefer September when I'm tanned and returning from vacation and have a good shot at actually following through on them. Short term resolutions are my favorite because I'm fairly certain I can live up to a resolve not to have a cookie before noon. But if January prompts you to feel as if you have a clean slate ahead of you and this time, you're going to get the bedtime thing right and you're going to put your foot down on the television watching, then commit to remaining firm about what you believe is right for your children. It takes twice as much parenting to stay the course and not give in to pleading and begging. Even if it seems to your children like harsh parenting at the time, it's the greatest form of love, and they will appreciate it later. As for me, I'll be sticking to the no cookie resolution.

I would love to hear from you! Please forward your questions and quandaries to: pwolf@nykidsclub.com.

Have a great week,

Pam Wolf

My 13 year old daughter is begging me to allow her to set up a Facebook account. Her older sister has been addicted to Facebook for over a year now and is supporting her younger sister's pleas. Is 13 too young for online networking, or is this just a harmless gathering place for children?

I believe that 13 is too young for online networking, even if it's harmless. With all of their schoolwork, do they need one more thing to consume their time? Two of my older children are addicted to Facebook, and while it's great for staying in touch with people they've met abroad, they can spend hours looking at what's posted on their walls and posting on others'. It's really eliminated communication in the old-fashioned way, and I find it devoid of human connection and spirit (though they would disagree with that sentiment). As with any of these "optional" forms of communication and entertainment, limits have to be set as to when you can use it and for how long. I say, hold out as long as you can.

How do you handle parental disagreements and arguments in front of your children? Is it best to hash it out with ones partner in the moment or wait until the children are out of earshot?

A minor disagreement is one thing, and you're certainly entitled to disagree with your spouse, respectfully, even in the presence of others. But with a full blown argument it's best to wait until they're out of earshot. In the heat of the moment, it's difficult, but if you have the ability to mentally count to three, you can prevent those harsh words from tumbling out. If an argument does erupt, make it quick and then agree to discuss it privately later. Then, either stage a conflict resolution in front of the kids, or say you're sorry or I regret hurting you or let's agree to disagree. I always apologize if I've spoken unkindly, though I don't necessarily apologize about the disagreement itself. Not fighting at all, however, gives your children an idealistic, Cinderella view of relationships which is unrealistic. I especially hate to see girls grow up afraid to disagree. It's important to model for your children that you can have the courage to disagree and to communicate clearly without malice - and that things can still be okay!

My 6 and 8 year old children always beg for post dinner snacks and treats between 9 and 10 at night (particularly treats of the sweet variety). They are always fed a well planned dinner and leave the table full. My mandate to this point has been no post dinner snacking. Is this unreasonable?

If you're unreasonable, then I guess I am, as well! My rule has always been no post-dinner snacking. The kitchen is closed. I don't want to clean up, nor am I inclined to be a slave to my children. Not only should 6 and 8 year olds be in bed by 9, but if for some reason they aren't, they should realize nothing's happening at this hour and they should be occupying themselves quietly, not eating. If my kids insist that they're starving, I'll tell them go to sleep right now, because you're never hungry while you're sleeping and then you'll wake up and have breakfast. We don't keep many sweet treats in the house so no one's asking for an apple at 9 at night.

Practical Parenting Week of December 10th, 2008

2008-12-10T05:00:00Z

I always say, but it bears repeating, that as a parent, you should trust that you know your children's strengths, how they learn, what they need and in general, what works for them. Believe in your innate ability to parent, and have the confidence to act on what you perceive as the best choices for your child. It's easy to be persuaded that others - the medical experts, teachers, other moms - know best. Perhaps your friends do have some secret insight into handling tantrums that you don't have - but maybe they don't. And even if they do, it's possible that you simply don't have it in you to enforce time-outs or explore unconventional medical treatment. That's okay. It's as important to know your own strengths and weaknesses as a parent as it is your children's. Be confident in what you know, and forgive yourself for the areas in which you fall short. Though it's post-Thanksgiving, gratitude is always in season. While as parents we all feel grateful for our children and regard them as blessings, don't forget that you are blessings to your children, as well.

I would love to hear from you! Please forward your questions and quandaries to: pwolf@nykidsclub.com.

Have a great week,

Pam Wolf

My 9 year old son was recently diagnosed with attention deficit disorder. His doctor is strongly recommending medication. While I know you are not a doctor yourself, I am curious as to what your thoughts are with regards to medicating children. Thanks!

I'll reiterate, first, that I'm not a doctor nor a psychologist, so these are only my observations and opinions. In my experience, I've seen parents leaping quickly to medication without giving other things a try, perhaps because these other avenues - which might include nutrition, eliminating television and video games, or other lifestyle changes - require a lot of effort and patience on everyone's part and the results may not be as immediate as with a pill. There are respected doctors who believe in trying other kinds of therapy and I would urge you to at least consider them. (http://www.allkindsofminds.org/, www.parenting-child-development.com/ritalin-alternatives.html) More than a decade ago Ritalin was introduced, and many teachers say it changed their lives because it helps students focus. Yet, I've also seen kids whose personalities changed drastically once they started Ritalin, and because they are aware of this, their self-esteem is adversely affected. If you've tried everything and it hasn't helped your child, then ask for the mildest form of medication. Be prepared for trial and error. One medication won't necessarily work, and you have to wait out the three weeks or three months to see the results. You are the parent, and whatever route you take, trust that you will know what's best for your child.

My 17 year old daughter has suddenly decided she wants to forgo college and start her own jewelry business. My husband and I both work in academia, and as you can imagine, are beside ourselves with concern. We have a close relationship and I know I could ultimately "force" her into freshman year- what are your thoughts on this?

I think it's crazy. If she wants to defer college and take a gap year to work in some jewelry manufacturing place, that's fine. She'll realize quickly that, without a college degree, she's not going any further. However, anyone who's considering business needs a business background. She could be the most talented jewelry designer in the world, but a failure at business. Some gymnasts open businesses, but even though they may be able to do a double flip on the trampoline (which I can't do), their businesses fail because unlike me, they don't have the business skills they need to succeed. In your daughter's case, you might impress upon her that college is one of the best marketplaces to try out your ideas. What better way to help pay for college tuition than to sell jewelry to your friends? You don't have to pay for office space - your dorm is your office. When I was 20, in one of my art classes I dribbled paint down a sweatshirt and wore it around. When others were interested in purchasing them, I made them one at a time, and started selling my one-of-a-kind, hand-painted sweatshirts, sweatpants, and hair accessories. I thought I had a real business, and so, looking to expand beyond the college campus, I took a booth at one of the indoor markets in Boston, an expensive proposition for me back then. I borrowed money to buy the sweatshirts, and worked my butt off painting 500 sweatshirts. I never sold ONE sweatshirt! For years, as a joke, we wrapped the T-shirts and put them under the Christmas tree. Your daughter needs to realize that being able to go to school is a gift and is an opportunity to build a foundation for her future. You're not sentencing her to four years of hard labor. Hard labor will be her twisting the wire in the backroom ten years from now without a college degree.

I participate in a class with my 18 month old where half the time is spent in the classroom and half the time in a mini-gym area. My son loves the gym portion of the class, however, shows absolutely no interest in following the group in the classroom. I leave exhausted after chasing him around the room to encourage him to sit at the table and participate in rug time. The teachers keep telling me to give it time. We are in the eighth week of the semester. Should I stick it out or revisit a classroom class when he gets a bit older?

Are you leaving exhausted because of your own physical exhaustion or because your child isn't doing what he should be doing? It sounds like you're getting anxious, and I advise all moms not to get stressed out because your child isn't as interested in one aspect of the program as the other. There's something in these classes for every child, I think, and by no means should you compare your child to the ones who sit for story time or hold a cup or use a crayon better than yours. You don't have to chase him around - sometimes, chasing him becomes a fun game. Try to stay in the correct position during class yourself, and see if he eventually catches on that you won't chase him and that it's more fun to take part in the program. I well remember taking my son to a music class and he would get up, go to the door and shake the doorknob. I would just look at him and say, "No, I'm not going out." One day, he shook the door then came over to me and handed me the doorknob. Maintenance had to come and get us out. If your child can actually break out of the classroom, maybe you shouldn't stay! Otherwise, if he is basically having fun and seeing other children, then keep doing it.

Practical Parenting Week of November 21st, 2008

2008-11-21T05:00:00Z

Discipline is a funny word. For some, it conjures up the idea of "punishment," and for others "discipline" is what separates us ordinary mortals from the Olympic athletes. The original meaning of the word is "instruction," and it's in this context that my husband and I try to determine how to "discipline" our children. Just as each child learns math and English differently, discipline has to be tailor made. My father was very firm with me, and that worked for me, and I'm very close to my father today. My sister really didn't take to the strict Greek discipline that our father believed in, and needless to say, she and my father never speak. I can guilt my older daughter, but if I do it to my middle daughter, she'll crumble. Discipline requires a lot of thought, and is ever-changing. If you have a partner, I believe it's vital that you work together as a team, and that both parents are aligned. The worst message you can send your children is that there's a good cop/bad cop. If you disagree with the way the other parent is handling the situation, it's best to address that in private. Then, you can both come together as a unit and, if you've changed your mind about something, it will be clear that it's a joint decision. Our children are our "disciples", and it's to be hoped that they will internalize this instruction so that ultimately, they will be self-disciplined.

I would love to hear from you! Please forward your questions and quandaries to: pwolf@nykidsclub.com.

Have a great week,

Pam Wolf

I am finding it difficult to come up with ways to punish my two teenagers when they break household rules. Much like your family, we do not watch television or play video games. I have never given them an allowance, and sending them to their rooms to lounge about seems to only delight them. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I tend to believe that punishment doesn't work. It often creates resentment, which might be more damaging than the original infraction of rules. I know yelling doesn't work, and punishments not at all related to the crime like banning them from going to a sweet sixteen next week, don't work. I know instilling guilt, lecturing and comparing them to other siblings or kids don't work. I know acting out of anger is dangerous, because you might later regret it, or renege completely on the punishment. Threatening and then not following through undermines your believability as a parent. If my husband and I are uncertain what punishment is appropriate, we tell our children we're very disappointed and we'll let them know later what the punishment will be. It's important to communicate and let your children know that they're disappointing you, and that the consequences of their actions will be that they suffer a quality of life. When our son doesn't do his homework, or shows up late for events or for school, or comes home past his curfew, we don't punish him, but we remind him that there are consequences, sometimes serious ones. Your grades suffer, you might not get into the college you want, you get detention and perhaps most importantly, people will view you as being irresponsible. Detention at school worked because he had to go in early. Last year he had 18 lates; this year, none. A child should realize that when you break rules, you break faith. I've long wondered what kind of punishments would correct the problems, but not create resentment. In your case, assuming that your child isn't close to becoming a juvenile delinquent (which presents a whole different issue), I would ask what are the rules? Are they so rigid that you're forgetting to allow someone to learn to govern himself? There are times when kids are just kids, and not every misstep requires a "punishment." I would love to hear readers' opinions as to how they handle situations in which a child has flagrantly disobeyed the house rules. Please e-mail your responses to me.

My son and his 10 year old friends are often quite rambunctious. Last week they broke an antique lamp rough housing in the dining room during a sleepover. I pulled my son away to address the situation while his two friends went on to watch a movie in the living room. Is it appropriate to verbally discipline your child's friends, or should I simply call their parents and arrange for a pick up?

On a recent trip to Florida, my son brought a friend along, and he and his friend did break a lamp, which we had to pay for. Did I tell the mother? Of course not. Nor did I make this friend feel badly. It was an accident, and accidents happen. Adult friends spill wine on your couch, or knock over a vase - material things are not as important as relationships. I don't believe in disciplining my own children in front of others, so I would certainly not discipline any of their friends. I've rarely called a parent to pick up a child. It's only when I felt the situation had gotten out of hand and it was best to separate the children that I've resorted to that. I don't want to appear to be the "mean" mother. I'm not afraid of being firm, and of asking my children's friends not to be so loud or to be careful or to stop roughhousing, but if you're the mean house, no one will dare come over. Having said that, if my son was at someone's house and did this, I would want the mother to express to all of the children how she was feeling instead of making light of it. When the play date is over, I would tell my child that he has to take responsibility for his home, as well as for his friends. Empower your child, and let him at least start to understand the importance of maintaining discipline in the home.

A good friend of mine publicly smacks and spanks her 4 year old. It has always made me uncomfortable, however, I have never known how or if to address it. Over the weekend, her four year old came over for a play date with bruises on her face. My friend told me she fell chasing the cat, which my gut tells me is not what happened. I am not sure how to proceed; what would you do?

Though I struggle with how to discipline children, I don't believe that spanking is effective. Nonetheless, as a parent, you have the choice, theoretically, to hit your child. No one can stop you. But abuse is not optional or acceptable. These days, when it's so politically incorrect to hit a child in public, you wonder what these parents would do behind closed doors. What is your friendship based on, and are you close enough to say something like, "You seem so angry and stressed," and perhaps talk to her about anger management. If it's a good friend, speak to her about her levels of stress and find out why she chooses that route of "discipline" which is, to my mind, not discipline, but adult bullying. If you choose to speak to her, you have to be prepared for her potential reactions. As for the bruises on the child's face, you may sadly be correct about their origins. However, I always feel nervous about getting overly involved, because it's also possible you're wrong, and if so, a charge of abuse is a serious charge. I would not report potential abuse like this, because you might be wrong, and because even if you're right, the repercussions of a child being taken from her family and put in foster care might be far worse than a few bruises. What about the husband? Is it possible to speak to him? Is he aware of it? Is he a part of it? I would work on your friendship first and talk to her about her parenting style. To make an assumption that she's guilty of child abuse is huge.

Practical Parenting Week of November 14th, 2008

2008-11-14T05:00:00Z

For ten years, I was an only child, which was an anomaly in the Irish Catholic neighborhood in which I grew up. I complained bitterly to my parents and teachers and anyone who would listen that I wanted a sister. Finally, they adopted my sister when I was 10. Then, when I was 15, my mother unexpectedly and practically miraculously got pregnant at the age of 45. Talk about horrifying and downright embarrassing! From 3 in the afternoon when my mother left for work, I stayed at home and babysat. I absolutely loved it. I always knew that I would go forward and have children. After five years of marriage, my husband and I were eager and ready to open the next book of our lives and decided to start our own family. I'm grateful to my parents for providing me with siblings, and grateful to my husband and four children for enabling me to recreate the big, boisterous family I always craved. There are no rules as to the number of children to have, the myriad routes they take to come into your life, or at what age to start. You can follow your heart and act spontaneously, or you can carefully and meticulously plan your family, or both. Having children is not rocket science. It's actually more challenging, because it requires a leap of faith.

I would love to hear from you! Please forward your questions and quandaries to: pwolf@nykidsclub.com.

Have a great week,

Pam Wolf

My husband and I long to have a second child. We are a bit nervous about the state of the economy at present and wondering whether it might be better to wait a while to have another baby. Did you ever consider the economy before having another one of your four children?

Although I'm practical about many things, practicality is not something I ever considered when I thought of children. I never looked at my wallet or within the four walls of my small apartment or, as my husband did, at the number of seats in the car. (He was really reaching!) I looked within my heart. If you feel that you have the capacity to love, care for and be kind to another child, then it's time to have another child. My priority was to look at the family unit. Then, I would say, "This family needs another baby." I've heard people say, "I should have had another child. For a number of years we debated it, but we didn't." I've never heard anyone say they shouldn't have had this additional child. Putting it off until you feel more financially comfortable is fine, but don't let fears of the economy pressure you to put it off forever.

Do you have any advice for preparing an older sibling for a new family addition? We are in the process of adopting a 2 year old from Kazakhstan. Our 4 year old grows extremely anxious any time we mention she will soon have a new little sister.

That's it right there - I never mentioned "You'll have a new little sister." Rather, I would say, "You're going to be a big brother or a big sister. I know you'll be a big help to me. I'm so excited to do this together!" By placing the focus on the older child, and enlisting her aid, you will empower her. I tried to remain sensitive to how throughout life, it's natural to envy or resent the new one who seems to be taking your place in any situation. When the baby was crying, I would say, "I'm so glad you talk to me in your big boy language, because it's hard to understand what this child wants." What I discovered was that the older one would become an advocate for the younger one. In trying to align myself with him, he would say he understood exactly what the baby wanted.
I caution against buying gifts for both the new child and the older child. I think it's important to realize that life is not fair or equal. The child should be able to rejoice in the new child having a gift, without saying, "Hey, what about me?" That sets up a sense of entitlement for life. Through thick and thin, I think my children are extremely close to one another, and I think it's because they started off as potential friends rather than as usurpers.

I am 35 years old and while not a parent yet myself, I follow your weekly columns religiously. How did you know you were ready to become a parent? I feel as though I am waiting for some sort of sign...and growing a bit worried that the sign may not come in time.

Sorry, but I don't think those signs come. At 35 years old, time is limited. (As if you don't know this.) At the risk of repeating myself, I would say that if you've enjoyed the first book of life, then to go on to the next book is really rewarding and exciting. The second book is a full series, and it's different from the last. If you don't have children, you stick with the same book, and that can go on and on and get repetitive. Certainly, no one should have a child if he or she doesn't want to. For me, the richness of life comes from the unfolding series. I don't know if you have a partner or not, but it might help you solidify the decision by taking small steps like getting your hormone levels checked, and then see how you feel as you're gathering this information. Are you excited? If you're passionate or totally uninterested in the information, those could be signs, as well. By the way, holding somebody else's baby or sitting on a park bench at the playground or going to a kid-friendly restaurant won't necessarily help the decision-making process. It may well have the opposite effect! When you think of yourself at 50, if you see a child or two sitting at the breakfast table with you, get moving. And good luck.

Practical Parenting Week of November 7th, 2008

2008-11-07T05:00:00Z

America has voted on a leader, and whether we'll be satisfied with the new occupant of the White House, whether our taxes will go up or down, whether we'll get a better health care plan or not, we can't know. What is certain is that change is inevitable. Even so, some things remain reassuringly the same: our concern for our children. Who cares about oil prices or the environment if your child is being bullied in school or if you fear a ballet class is inadvertently putting too much pressure on your 3-year-old? No matter if you are Republican or Democrat or uncommitted, our country was founded on the premise that our collective children should have a better future, and that we should help to create a better world for them. That is a value that unites us all. Every day at the New York Kids Club I see this red, white and blue ideal in action, with parents offering their children the very best of themselves. We might get it wrong sometimes, but it isn't for a lack of trying our best. Here's hoping that our leaders will do their very best for us for the next four years, for our future generations.

I would love to hear from you! Please forward your questions and quandaries to: pwolf@nykidsclub.com.

Have a great week,

Pam Wolf

I am a first time mother pregnant with twins. As a former teacher, I admit that I sometimes had favorites. I have been thinking a lot about whether this will happen with my girls. Was this ever your experience with your children?

This was never my experience with my children because even though they are from the same family, they're so different from each other. I find that I relate to parts of one child better than another, but on the whole, I don't favor one. (My children, however, might disagree, tending to perceive that one is favored over the other.) You might switch "favorites" at different stages, and you might have to search for more areas of commonality with one than with another, but one child is not more preferable than the other. In any case, that's all something that's way in the future. I would remove this from the list of all the things you have to worry about when you're pregnant. The less you worry, and the more you trust, the better parent you will be. If you want to add just one more thing, however, to the list, give thought to how you can insure that you continue to love your husband, and not favor your children over him.

My teenage son has stopped going out with his core groups of friends- friends he has known since boyhood- because they now all smoke pot. I am proud of him for telling me and making the choice not to participate, but sad to see him spending so much time alone now. I am not sure what advice to give him, as I certainly don't want him around the drugs, however, definitely want him to be a part of the school community (a very close knit private school). What do you think?

I've seen an interesting change in my teenagers as they've gotten older. Their core group shifted in high school, which I understand is common, and by sophomore or junior year, many totally regroup. The reason your son isn't hanging out with his former friends might not just be because they're smoking pot. I find my kids are becoming very particular about whom they spend time with. For example, one of my sons sought activities outside of school. He's on a crew team in the city, and has met a group of people who range from his age to 27 and hail from different parts of the city. This has opened up his way of thinking and his ability to spend time with other people. My daughter is starting to realize that the friends she's had throughout the years might not be the ones she wants to spend all of her time with. Sticking to the same small circle of friends and excluding the rest of the world isn't always the best choice, and it's a sign of maturity when you recognize it. I strongly believe that there are other kids out there who are much like your son, and it's a question of finding them. When my children spend time alone, I don't interpret it as being lonely. It could mean they're comfortable being alone. Alone and lonely are different, but if you feel he's lonely or sad, look into it and try to help him figure out a plan to fill in any voids.

My 5 year old has started throwing temper tantrums in public. This is a new behavior that makes me very uncomfortable as I have never had to discipline my daughter before outside the home. What is the best way to handle this?

The typical age for throwing public temper tantrums is between 18 months and 3 years. Thus, if a 5 year old is starting such a behavior, I would consider what the causes might be. For example, are you on your Blackberry or cell phone when she's eager to talk to you? Are you dragging her through stores when she's tired or hungry? I did have a child who used to act out outrageously in public, and I would evaluate what brought her to that level and try to avoid those triggers. Or is there something happening in school or at home, is there a new sibling? This can be a sign that it's something else - not necessarily serious - but something that is an easy fix or is easily avoided. I don't believe in punishing this behavior, tempting though it can be. Rather, I would evaluate what prompted it, or communicate with the child and ask her to verbally express what her needs are instead of acting out. Many people are terribly embarrassed by these tantrums, feeling as if it's a reflection on them as a parent. If you give up your own discomfort and ego, your anxiety will drop, and in turn, your child's will drop. The less I cared about the tantrum, the less my children cared about it. When I see a tantrum, I look at the mother and I think, "Oh, boy. We've all been there." The truth is in the end you have to laugh a little about this. Remind yourself that you'll get over it, and one day you'll be telling amusing anecdotes about the time your daughter threw herself down on a busy sidewalk and pitched a fit.

Practical Parenting Week of October 29th, 2008

2008-10-29T05:00:00Z

My son just wrote an essay in which he was asked to describe his family. The word he chose was "unified," explaining that we like to do things together, sometimes just reading in the same room. This past week my daughter sent me an E-vite, requesting our attendance at a musical show that she and her two brothers were planning to perform at the house. By no means are we the "Little House on the Prairie" family, but because we don't watch television, our children have become accustomed to devising their own entertainment, which is usually inclusive of the entire family. (Lest it isn't clear, I hate television! I feel it robs children of the opportunity to explore other creative outlets, and it deprives families of their time together.) I'm passionate about the importance of spending not only quality time, but also a lot of time with family. Whether your children are just starting to crawl or are learning to drive a car, figuring out ways in which you can maximize the amount of time you spend with them is, in my opinion, something to always be mindful of. As I often say, the days are long, but the time is short.

I would love to hear from you! Please forward your questions and quandaries to: pwolf@nykidsclub.com.

Have a great week,

Pam Wolf

My 16 year old son and several friends have started a Friday evening card club. My husband supports this activity as he believes it is better to have them at home on a Friday night as opposed to out on the town. While they never seem to place bets of more than a dollar or two, this early gambling concerns me. What are your thoughts on this?

Not only did my husband support my son when he started playing poker, he gave him tips on how to play the game! While I recognize poker is often about male bonding and pitting one's wits against others and learning to develop strategy, when money comes into it, I worry. Gamblers Anonymous exists because gambling is a real addiction that can build as quickly and insidiously as drugs or alcohol, and it should be taken seriously. When my son lost $20, he would stop playing for the evening. I was happy when he lost because winning sends the message that it's easy to make a lot of money very quickly. Why take a minimum wage job if you can make $100 playing poker? The possibility of making easy money fuels the addiction cycle: when you're down one night, you say you just need another week, or you borrow money, and then it becomes an obsession to get back what you've lost. What can start out as an innocent game should be monitored. If it's only $1 or $2, why not play for chips instead of money? Gambling is a form of luck, and life isn't about luck - you take your luck into your own hands, you don't wait for it to happen.

My 2 year old recently began a separated preschool program that meets two days per week. Our nanny dropped him off and picked him up for the first month without incident. Out of the blue, my son has suddenly begun crying for his nanny at night and on weekends when she is off. Several times he has asked in her absence, "Who will take care of me now?" Have you experienced this with your children? How can I reassure him that mommy and daddy will always be there to take care of him?

When my children were very young, I realized that while the nanny was bathing the kids, I was cooking dinner! It dawned on me that I wanted to do the child-related things, not the household work. We reversed roles, and that's when everything changed. Admittedly, she was more fun than I, but that also prompted me to reflect upon and change my parenting style. If your nanny is spending more time doing kid stuff than you, you might want to reconsider both your responsibilities and your nanny's. I wanted my children to know that I was the primary caregiver. I always pushed the carriage, changed the diapers and dealt with the overtired tears. It's important that the caregiver understands who's going to take the lead and who's going to follow. By the same token, the fact that a child misses a nanny means that he loves the nanny. That's healthy and a good thing. You indicate that you suspect these new fears of "who's going to take care of me now" are linked to the nursery school drop-off. Some educators believe that because separation from the parent, not the caregiver, is at issue when a child starts school, it's the parent who needs to actually do the separation. You could try doing both drop off as well as the pick-up. If you pick up, it reassures him that you do come back and that you will always take care of him.

My family traditionally spends the evenings gathered together in front of the television set after dinner through bedtime. I enjoy this family time together, however, would like to set some boundaries with regards to the number of hours we spend in front of the set and come up with some other ways to spend time with one another. The truth is, I do not even know what activities to suggest, as this has become such a habit for us. Any advice would be appreciated.

A family game of poker? (Just kidding!) I think "boundaries" is the operative word here. As I said, we do not watch television in our home. You have to decide if you're going to turn the television on or not, and stick to it. Otherwise, they're just biding their time waiting for you to turn it on again. I'm not a big fan of board games but will play quick ones with the kids, like Boggle and Scrabble. Anything longer and they can ask dad. How to spend family time is a matter of being creative and opening yourself to possibilities. Sitting around and reading books together, listening to music, baking a cake, doing a household task - the activity is perhaps less important than being together and directly communicating with one another. While sometimes it's incumbent upon us as parents to organize activities, if you feel responsible to do so every night, you're doing the same thing that the television does - not allowing your children to figure it out on their own. Turn the television off, and don't provide an alternative - see what they come up with. It's worth a try.

Practical Parenting Week of October 20th, 2008

2008-10-20T05:00:00Z

In many respects, I'm an "old school" parent. I believe in fixed bedtimes, in healthy, balanced meals, in family dinners, in less (make that no) TV and more walks in the park. But in other ways, I guess I'm "new school." Certainly, when it comes to education, I am all for experimenting with and considering alternative ways to educate children. My father had a PhD in education and raised us to believe that a good, traditional schooling was the key to our success. So, for example, taking a year off between high school and college and "finding myself" would have been considered frivolous. You make sure you find yourself pretty quick, was his view. The "new school" me would have loved that option, and it's the new school me who took our children out of school for a year and traveled the world, in an effort to change absolutely everything about the way we'd lived our lives: dinner at 10 p.m., sure, why not? My husband also falls into the "new school" category - he didn't go to college, but is quite learned and successful. My personal opinion is that success (personal and professional) is attained through a combination of education, determination and drive. But no matter how wonderful the education, you can never discount the importance of the home to shape your children's morals and values. The school can only pick up where the home leaves off, and the best combination is one in which the home and school work together as a partnership to develop the most well-rounded child. And that's neither old nor new school - that's common sense.

I would love to hear from you! Please forward your questions and quandaries to: pwolf@nykidsclub.com.

Have a great week,

Pam Wolf

Several of my friends have encouraged their children to take a year off between high school and college. What are your thoughts on this?

I really like the idea of a year off after high school. After maybe 13 years of sometimes intense schooling, a year off for reflection is a good thing and offers a young man or woman the opportunity to solidify whatever he or she wants to do in the future, rather than sliding so quickly from one expected course of action to another. Many parents of students who are sophomores in college have told me that their children have just crashed in the second year, because they never took time to step back and make a conscious decision as to what they wanted their lives to look like. With that being said, my soon-to-be of college age daughter thinks the gap year is crazy. If a child chooses to do it, he or she has to be totally into it. I think you should still apply to college and then defer, otherwise the ambiguity and uncertainty of the future makes the gap year dangerous and difficult. There should also be a firm plan in place as to what this 18-year-old will do that year - Community service? Make money? A combination of things? - because a year without a plan would be wasted and could result in de-motivating the student.

What is a preschool alternative? How does an alternative program compare with a traditional preschool experience?

This phrase "pre-school alternative" just came up in the past few years, and my understanding is that it's a non-accredited school that is a newer version of the nursery school experience. That is, it might accept children at two years of age rather than 2 ½. It follows the same basic curriculum, and is not any less educational or structured, but the program tends to be a bit more creative and specialized. For example, at the New York Kids Club, we incorporate 45 minutes of gym-based activities in every day, and overall there's a greater emphasis on physicality. Other pre-school alternatives might be arts or music driven. The biggest advantage to the accredited pre-schools is the relationship that the director has with the ongoing schools. The director can offer guidance as to where your child might apply for pre-K or Kindergarten. But if your child isn't going on to an independent school, if you are moving out of the city, or if you simply want your child to enjoy more sports or arts, the pre-school alternative can provide resources that a traditional environment might not.

My husband has been transferred to London for a year. My three children and I will be joining him next month. I am torn as to whether it is best to enroll them in school abroad or home school for the next year and fill their schedules with culturally and socially enriching activities. I understand you spent a year abroad with your own children; how did you manage their educations while traveling?

If you're transferring to a foreign country for an entire year, enrolling in a school will be the most socially and emotionally engaging for both you and your children. Here in New York City , I've spent weeks and months and years sometimes standing in the great hall at my children's school, and thinking that somebody looks nice, but never acting upon it. When you're overseas, those potential friendships are developed very quickly. You're only there for a year, so there's no romance period! In my children's international school in Italy , parents were more willing to get together and talk about their common experiences, in this case being an ex-pat. We found the school to be culturally and socially diverse, and it served as a wonderful resource for navigating the country. To this day, some of our greatest memories of that year are rooted in the friendships we made at school. These schools are very small, and they have an enormous applicant pool so you should begin looking into them early. In my opinion, if you choose to home school, you make a somewhat isolating experience (being an ex-pat) even more so. Plus, it's a huge undertaking and commitment on your part.

Practical Parenting Week of October 1st, 2008

2008-10-01T05:00:00Z

My father descended from a Greek immigrant family, and like many immigrants, he aspired to achieve the American dream. We were raised to be frugal, to think twice about making a long-distance phone call or even looking at a pair of jeans unless they were on sale! Whether you economically move up or down the ladder from the way in which you were raised, some of the lessons that your parents teach you, if they're open enough, will remain engrained in you, and certainly my parents' strong work ethic and a refusal to spend money on frivolous things are attitudes that I've carried with me. I do believe, however, that if you make your children nervous about money, they'll be anxious about it as they get older. I like to remove the emotional anxiety that surrounds money, so you can reach goals, whether it's to be comfortable where you are, to make more money, or give money to causes that you support. So whether you are born into a family living the American dream or building your families own American dream, remember, money is not personal- it's a business- determine what your relationship is with it, and be honest.

I would love to hear from you! Please forward your questions and quandaries to: pwolf@nykidsclub.com.

Have a great week,

Pam Wolf

My husband, a Wall Street veteran of over twenty years, is growing increasingly anxious over the current state of the economy and how it will affect our family's future. My very perceptive seven-year-old has begun asking questions about recession, depression and "what it would be like to be homeless." How honest should I be with my son in addressing his concerns?

I strongly feel that money is not a dirty word, though a lot of people shy away from discussing it. I believe that everyone in the family should have a decent idea of what the family finances are, how it comes into the house, how you make money, how you save money. It's a fact of life and you need it to survive. With that in mind, I also recognize that children are affected by the economic diversity that they see in the city, from the homeless to the celebrities. I think it's confusing to them, and they might well wonder, could we go broke, could we lose everything? I immediately shy away from discussing economic downturns with my children or in front of them, because I worry about the level of tension that it puts on them. Instead, I tell them that this is the cycle of life, and we prepare ourselves for this by saving money. I don't view it as shielding them from the truth, but I believe that too much focus on the economy can create an anxiety that can last a while. Children look at their parents as their rocks, their safety blankets, and if they see that we're concerned about being able to provide the basics, it will affect them in their lives.

My wife rewards our potty training daughter with a sticker or piece of candy every time she uses the restroom. I am unsure about this system, as I am afraid it will lead to expectations down the road. What are your thoughts?

I do not like rewarding children with tangible things or with too much praise. With all the clapping and cheering for mundane activities like potty training, getting a haircut or finishing a school day, you'd think the child had scored a field goal. He went to the bathroom because he didn't like having wet underwear - you don't get prizes for that. Conversely, if there's an accident, you risk shame being attached to it, and you don't get a sticker. I do believe in words of praise, "Good job, nice work, I'm glad you used the bathroom." I don't know where this over-praising and over-gifting ends - what happens when a really special time comes, and you want to buy a little gift, but you already got your child the Lego set when he tied his shoes for the first time? I never showered my children with gifts when they did what was expected of them, and as a result, whenever I buy them the tiniest gift, they're overwhelmed by the gesture because it means something.

While my family does quite well financially, I do not believe in overindulging my children or buying them name brand items just for the sake of wearing a label. My two children do not understand why I will not buy them these things when they "know I have the money." At 8 and 10 years old, I believe they are ready for a better answer than "because I said so." Any advice would be appreciated.

When my children were younger, they would ask me for the fancy jeans that cost a fortune, and then they would ask me point blank if dad and I had more money than so-and-so, whose daughter wears designer names every day! I've tried to make it clear that each family prioritizes what's important and how they will spend their money. But whatever your values are, I don't think you should hide from your children how you make choices about spending money. It's important when they grow up to understand that they will have to think through how to budget their money, and the sooner they learn it, the better. I've found it interesting over the years to see my children's view of money change and develop. One daughter sends checks to various places she feels strongly about. Another child will buy an expensive item and wear it every day! Now, they get so excited telling me how much money they saved on something - and I waste no time reminding them that now, they have money left over for something else or to save. Those Greek immigrant lessons, indeed, remain entrenched!